My head hurts... (A poly-rant)

I think it is from too much thinking. Or, perhaps, from too much deconstructing. There has not been one area of my life that I have not been analyzing, struggling with, or learning from. The constant challenges at work, the uncertainty of work and healthcare in general, relationships, church, spirituality.... all of these things have kept my mind spinning. So, I thought I would share a few random rants and thoughts... to give a taste of my thoughts lately.

... Stark County (and Ohio in gereral most likely) is very parochial, and if it is going to be successful, the hospital of Western Stark county must understand this and play into that. Even if it is owned by some corporate "outsider" monolith, that doesn't mean that it can bring outside "expert" help and get positive results. "All politics are local" is a famous truism... so it is with healthcare. I need to be on a guidance board... ;-)

...When you have a paradigm shift, it is truly like Alice in Wonderland (or the Matrix, if you prefer): Once you have taken the red pill, there's no going back. So, as I look at what Jesus says, I'm struck more and more by the fact that I've had it wrong all along. When Paul says, "There's no other name in which you are saved," I now wonder if he meant that in the literal, immediate since which the context seems to demand. When Rome invaded Judea, historically, no Christians were killed, because they all believed in Jesus and his message, and fled, allowing utter destruction to come upon the Jews (unfaithful Israel) alone. What does such a statement in such a context mean for me, today? (Lest any flip out, I do think that there are important ways such messages speak to us today, but I no longer look at it in the direct way that I used to.)

...I love curriculum development, educational planning, and assessment models. If I had the resources and unlimited reign... (since most of you who know me are cringing at the thought, I will not dwell on that blessed (or cursed) state of affairs!)

...Why do people hate change??? I'll never get it. No matter how fast or slow it is presented, there are always gripers. If something doesn't work, then change it. If that doesn't work, change it again. Oy. What's the big deal?

...Why do relationships have to be so difficult? Why did I have to be born in a generation that has watched our parents' marriages fall apart, and in fact watched many of our generation endure divorce? Can I, and others, be blamed for our "gun shy" attitudes about marriage? Why do I have such a hard time opening myself up... to joy, but also hurt? (There's the answer, eh?)

...How can I sustain my singleness much longer, when I am increasingly feeling "traditionless?" Though I have the best friends and circle of spiritual family that a person could want, I nevertheless am not integrated into any one family unit's tradtions. One family has a tradition of getting a tree, decorating it, and watching a certain movie together the day after Thanksgiving. My best friend did something similar with just he and his wife. That is a very exciting, and warming, tradition, one that don't have any share in. I actually nearly broke down on Sunday while singing, because I suddenly realized that the holidays make people feel lonely not because you don't have someone, but because you don't have any one to share traditions with. I have been struggling with whether or not to put up a tree this year. I struggle each year... the last two years I have put up a "blessing tree" where I decorate it with "blessing ornaments" from years past. But I have no one to put it up with, no one to share the past blessings with, no one to enjoy the warm feelings that the glow of a tree at night produces. While thinking about all that, I thought of my grandma, whom I love dearly. Every year, she decorates here little apartment with lots of Christmas decorations, and puts a little ceramic Christmas tree up. No one shares in that, at least no one person or group of people in a regular way. She's be a widow for decades... the loneliness of it all, and the fact for the first time I could relate, nearly brought me to tears.


...I currently have asthmatic bronchitis... I have never really wheezed before, and it is a vulnerable feeling, the physician being a patient. Plus migraines... oy vay. (which, as I recently discovered thanks to Carey and her "Joy of Yiddish" book, literally means, "Oh the pain!".)

That's enough. I have ranted long enough. Indeed, my head hurts.